thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
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Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.