She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
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I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
IT’S-A ME,
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.