Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
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You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]