14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
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Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo