me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
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Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
That lamp looks PISSED.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.