If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
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Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that