Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
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legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.