Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
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It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
welp
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”