People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My beach vacation Google searches
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.