When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
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It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏