thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
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A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her: