[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
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I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
New menu item
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I have obtained a hat
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!