Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
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In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.