I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
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Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
meanwhile over on facebook
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””