“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
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King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Always a housemaid, never a house.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
#MeanwhileinCanada
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.