I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
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me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.