Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
*pronounces woah like Noah*
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.