I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
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I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
You deplete me
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air