Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
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I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
You know I’m something of a chef myself
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish