It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
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My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Spell check is for lasers.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.