It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
how was your vacation
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.