[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
You Might Also Like
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN