I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
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one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
he was correct
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes