If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
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If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
This kid will have a bright future.