I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
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At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Interior design 👌
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Barbie gone wild
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky