“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
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Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
finally
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.