The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
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cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised