I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*