Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
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I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.