3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
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Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me