You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.