amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
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I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
i was baptized in a car wash
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly