my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.