Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
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BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL