What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
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Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.