I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
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me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Lmfao
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
describing stardew valley
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how