I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
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New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Note to self: always read the final line
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
We avoided this particular disaster
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.