Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
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I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.