My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
You Might Also Like
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.