[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
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Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower