Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
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I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*