My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
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next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.