I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
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her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.