Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
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Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself