You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
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Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh