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i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I’m about to risk it all
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?