If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
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[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets