wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
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Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Plant care tips
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.