Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
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the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Friday night party time 🥳
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
If looks could kill