[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
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I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.